Running from Tidal Waves

Let's talk emotions and feels and junk.

I don't like them. I don't know what to do with them. It's worse when other people become emotional, too. I would rather avoid emotions completely. Even writing this and sharing it is awkward enough. If I had a choice between feeling uncomfortable and swimming with sharks, I think I’d take my chances with my shark friends. 

Disney released a movie a bit ago called Inside Out. It personifies 5 main emotions and makes them lovable cartoon characters that live and work inside a little girl’s mind. Whichever emotion the little girl is experiencing, say she’s feeling angry, you see the Angry character take over the command center and become the lead of all the little girl's actions and reactions. Spoiler Alert: The Happy character is most often the main lead or manager of the 5 Emotions, and she tries hard to keep the Sadness character away from the command center. Eventually, Sadness runs away, and Happy discovers that the little girl needs Sadness in her life; the little girl can’t just “happy” away all the things that she’s experiencing, especially when she’s upset and needs some support. Without Sadness, the little girl appears to have no affect; she’s numb, and jumps to other emotions - like anger or disgust - when she can’t tap into Sadness (which was what she was actually feeling about moving away from her home and friends). 

It made me think about how a lot of us avoid our emotions, especially when it comes to confronting others about them. Despite confrontation being a necessary part of life, most of us avoid it like eye contact with homeless people who ask for money. I think it's why TV shows like Jerry Springer got so popular. It’s like a release to see someone else confront what you normally wouldn't. And to do it in front of an audience! It's the ultimate humiliation (and yet so entertaining). Todd Vanderworff says this about the Jerry Springer show: 

“Above all, though, it was about the freaks. It unleashed an uneasy tension in viewers. It still does...
And talk shows themselves always had a lascivious streak to them, a willingness to drag otherwise normal people on the air and find the one thing about them that was different, the better to reinforce the audience’s superiority...
It’s an awful tension. We want to feel superior, but we cannot. Maybe it was a mercy, then, that The Jerry Springer Show didn’t follow its guests home. Maybe it was the ultimate perversion that many reality shows that followed in its wake would. The stage of this talk show was a safe space, a place to work these issues out, and when the lights dimmed, they were gone, but for the imagination.”

When I imagine an upcoming confrontation, I envision a tidal wave. This giant, overwhelming wave crushes me, and tosses my powerless self around like a lobster in a boiling pot of water. Once the confrontation is over, I eventually make it to the surface and gasp for air. But it's affect lingers; for days I struggle with PTSD. I roll my eyes and think, never again. But confrontation is inevitable, isn’t it? Drama at work, family holidays and gatherings, living with loved ones, issues with friends or even strangers… it’s unavoidable. 

The more I think about how much I dislike confrontation, the more I realize that needs to change. Because no, Dr. Phil, it isn’t working for me. I bottle up my emotions and experience them in a painfully physical way, rather than releasing them and being my honest and authentic self. 

What would it look like if I loved confrontation? What if I believed it would bring me joy? What would it feel like if I was totally okay with it and viewed it as a necessary and normal part of my life? Would being willingly open and confrontational ever get easier? 

I'm learning that it will get easier... it is getting easier. The evidence is every where in my life; the more I’ve done something, the easier it gets. The more I post to my blog, the easier it gets. The more I exercise, the easier it gets. The more I train my children in the way they should grow… the easier they get. (Heh, see what I did there?) 

Kathy Caprino says this about confrontation:

“I’ve found that many of us (particularly women) dread confrontation, or certainly go to extreme lengths to avoid it.  We do so for numerous reasons, including: 

- We don’t want to be confronted for fear of being “found out” (that we’re doing something wrong or have disappointed others)  

- We second-guess, question and doubt ourselves regarding our grounds and motives for confrontation  

- We don’t want to be seen as “mean” or challenging 

- We’d rather it just “work out” magically [<-- my particular favorite] 

- We have painful memories of past confrontations gone awry 

- It’s difficult to assert ourselves in heavily power-laden or political environments (like many of our workplaces)

- We find it hard to master our emotions effectively when we’re talking about something challenging or fear-inducing

Regardless of our reluctance to confront tough issues or challenging people, we need to.  We can’t advance, succeed, or grow without confrontation.  Engaging in productive confrontation paves the way for diversity of thought, developing healthy boundaries, arriving at new, innovative approaches, better decision-making, and challenging the status quo, all of which are essential if we want to thrive in our lives and work”. 

(Definitely read her whole article if you want some solid steps on how to confront others successfully).

Just being forthright (in a non-confrontational way) is a struggle for me, too. First, because my honesty is sometimes like a megaphone held to the ears; I was given the gift of honesty, but not of tact (I’ve been lovingly asked once, where’s your tact, girl?). And secondly, telling people how I feel about something, whether they are involved or not, seems unnecessary. Like a waste of quiet space. (With two toddlers, this introverted Momma seriously needs her some quiet time.) Sometimes people don’t respond in the way I like or in a way I expect them to. So why bother?

It was drilled long ago into my kid brain that if you don’t have anything nice to say… don’t say anything. It's definitely easier in the short term to keep my mouth shut. But in the long term, as I've experienced, keeping a tight lip can sometimes hurt more. It’s hard to know how and when to be a gentle soothsayer, but I’m trying.

I decided that instead of anticipating paralyzing fear when caught up in the Emotional Tidal Waves of Confrontation, I’d prepare for them by choosing some positive imagery: the experience I had while learning to surf in Hawaii (see my post about it here).

Here's what I mean:

1. I was excited about surfing. I love and respect the ocean; I grew up in it. (Yep, I’m a mermaid. It runs in the family.) I was excited for the waves. I felt strong as I paddled out and battled smaller waves to get to the big ones. This is the part in a confrontation when I voice my concerns, feelings, and desires. I can feel strong and confident in what I know, want, and feel. 

2. Once out to the bigger waves, I turn around to face the shore, and sit. I patiently wait for the best wave to come, and excitedly look back every so often to anticipate it’s arrival and begin paddling. This is the anticipation part, where I try to judge (based on facial expressions, verbal reactions, or body language) and brace myself for the wave of emotion. Will it be gigantic and overwhelmingly too much for me to ride? Or will it be tiny? Do I ride it or ride over it? Do I take it or leave it?

3. The wave comes. I paddle, stand up quickly on my board,  then balance. And I ride the wave of emotion to the shore, and try not to fall in. I listen respectfully to their response. I realize I might have had more time to think about this issue than they have. My words might come as a shock to them, and they get hurt, angry, and lash out, causing an enormous wave in response. Sometimes the waves are small, or not there at all. Sometimes people need time to think about their reaction, and either delay or will ask for more time. Or the emotional wave may never come. You might just get a polite acknowledgement or a thank you for sharing. It might not be what you expected. Riding someone’s emotional wave connects you to them, but keeps you from being submerged in it or taking it on as your own. Despite never really knowing what kind of wave you get, you ride it like an experienced pro, all the way to the shore.

Surfing (i.e. emotional wave riding) is exhausting and exhilarating. But I can get better with practice. And, I can’t wait to go back and do it again... With a few of you. Muahhahahahhaahahhaha!