Unsolicited Advice

A man interrupted me while I was playing racquetball this week, and proceeded to gift me with his supreme knowledge of the sport. Its effect was similar to when you get one of those slightly insulting gifts from a relative; Oh, honey, I got you this sweater, but I doubt it’ll fit you now. Um, thank you?

My "gift" was from a stranger, who didn’t politely introduce himself or ask me to join him in a game. I stopped the ball when he knocked on glass door of the court. As he held the door ajar, he jumped right into letting me know I should always hit the front wall, not the back wall. Well, duh (it’s pretty much the basic object of the game).

I raised sweaty eyebrows over my foggy goggles, and smiled politely. Reluctantly, I spent a large amount of brain power trying to figure out how to respond (I'm working on my tact, people). I ended up saying “I know” quite a few times, as I continued to smile and he continued to carry on. He proceeded to give me tips on how to hit the back wall if I must, and then shut glass the door and walked away. I fumed for about ten minutes at his temerity, taking my anger out on the blameless, bouncy blue ball. 

Dr. Peter Gray, Ph.D questions unsolicited advice in his article in Psychology Today: Unsolicited Advice: I Hate it, You Hate It; So Do Your Kids:

Why do we react this way to unsolicited advice? Why don't we just accept it for what it often is--the other person's genuine concern and desire to help? Others who have written on this question have suggested a number of reasonable answers. They suggest that the advice, justifiably or not, comes across to us as one-upmanship, or assertion of dominance, or criticism, or distrust, or failure to consider our own unique goals and priorities… I agree with all that, but I would add that the main, underlying answer has to do with our desire to protect our own freedom.
For good evolutionary reasons… we human beings naturally crave freedom. We resist control from other people. We do this regardless of our age and regardless of whom it is who wants to control us. Married people resist control from their spouses; old people resist control from their middle-aged children; children of all ages resist control from their parents. And, of course, students resist control from their teachers, which is one reason why schools as we generally know them produce such poor results…By complying, we may be signaling our future willingness to subordinate ourselves to the other person's will.

In my wrath and unwillingness to accept this man’s “genuine concern and desire to help”, I supposed he came to this conclusion: a female with a racquet and ball, rockin’ all the obvious racquetball gear, and standing in a racquetball court… must be lost! It was so kind of him to decide, entirely on his own, that stepping in to “help” me was definitely the best idea for both of us. Perhaps his best - most perfect and most innocent - intention was to help me. 

Fine. So, how would he feel if I did same? Say I watched him mow his lawn, and waved him over to stop. He politely breaks his concentration and stops, because what if what I have to say is exciting, or god-forbid, there's been an emergency? And I say: “You know, you really want to be mowing the grass, not the pavement. And if you lower the blade, you'll get a closer cut that will stretch your time between mowings. But really, you want to make sure you're mowing the grass." I just want to help. 

A writer named Sezin Koehler decided to stop giving unsolicited advice and found his life improved. In his article Why I Stopped Giving Unsolicited Advice for the Huffington Post, he says:

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and unsolicited advice is the mortar.” I made a decision to stop giving advice unless specifically asked for it. I quit, cold turkey… Stopping giving advice changed everything. 

I found myself incredibly present in my conversations and interactions with others in a way I'd never been before. I was liberated from my self-imposed responsibility to help people who aren't asking for assistance. I could just sit back, listen, empathize, and be there. Instead of the "You should do this..." or "You need to do that..." reflex I'd say, "I'm here for you, with whatever you need," and, "How I can help?”

Had the stranger at the gym asked me if I wanted his advice, or even taken a more personable approach, I might have taken his advice with at least a grain of salt. He might have found out that I was just doing drills; I haven’t played in quite a while and need to get comfortable again with the back wall (it's all glass, and quite a bit more distracting to me than the other three, solid walls). Perhaps he would’ve offered to play a game, in genuine attempt to address my concern and ease my comfort. In my imagination’s best case scenario: through a polite conversation, he would’ve told me that he was the World’s #1 Racquetball Player (which is Paola Longoria, and obviously, I wasn’t speaking to her), and in that case I might have gratefully listened to the advice.

Dr. Peter Gray brings up a good point in the same article mentioned earlier, making the case for when unsolicited advice might be acceptable:

Sometimes, of course, unsolicited advice is welcome. If I'm stepping into the ocean and someone, anyone, comes over and advises me not to swim there because sharks were spotted there a few minutes age, I'm grateful. I hear this not so much as advice as useful, potentially life-saving information, which I didn't know before. I'd feel even more grateful, though, without even the slightest tinge of annoyance, if the Good Samaritan had entirely omitted the advice part of the message (to not swim there) and just given me the information part (about the sharks). Then I'd feel that a decision to stay out of the water was entirely my own, based on my own capacity to think rationally, and was not in any way coerced. I wouldn't, then, have even the slightest temptation to continue into the water just to prove that "I'll do whatever I blankety blank well choose to do, thank you!

It's a slippery slope. Are you an expert? An authority? Do you actually know better or have more experience? What gives you the right? Is your desire to help truly genuine?

There a ton of different reasons people feel the need to give unsolicited advice, and we could speculate all day. (This article calls out 10 of them!) We can't make other people stop handing advice out like parking lot flyers, but we can stop doing it ourselves, and choose our reaction when it's "gifted" to us. 

Recently, I read a quote that I think sums up my thoughts about unsolicited advice: 

"Don't have an opinion about something you're not responsible for.”

Wishing for you this year that all those around you will give the gift of love and acceptance, and keep their unwelcomed thoughts on your appearance, activities, career, spouse, and kids to themselves. Hope you have a fantastic Holiday!