True Selveseses.

Ever hear that (author unknown) quote, “Character is who you are when no one is watching”?

The minute my pre-teen self was home alone, I’d throw on some bright red lipstick, find my sparkly, glow-in-the-dark hairbrush, and grab my Disney soundtrack cassette tapes. While kids my age listened to their older sibling’s “cool” music like NKOTB, I’d push the play button on my portable tape player, and passionately belt “A Whole New World” with Aladdin and Jasmine at the top of my lungs. Later on, my as my taste matured, I sang along with Jean Valjean, Inspector Javert, and Fantine from the Les Miserable soundtrack, and Erik and Christine from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. 

Despite being alone in front of a full-length mirror, there were no killer dance moves. My adolescent self didn’t even pretend to be rhythmically gifted. I suppose it didn’t help that my religion wasn’t keen on dancing. No Senior Proms in my history, although, considering my white girl dancing skills, that was probably a blessing from God. Even now, I can barely hang with the Inflatable Tube Man at car dealerships.

“Identity is gradual, cumulative; because there is no need for it to manifest itself, it shows itself intermittently, the way a star hints at the pulse of its being by means of its flickering light. But at what moment in this oscillation is our true self manifested? In the darkness or the twinkle?” 

― Sergio Chejfec, The Planets

So, instead of making up sweet Janet Jackson dance routines, I chose to make sure my voice sounded exactly how the singer sang. I took note (thanks to my radically red lips emphasizing the shape my mouth made) when my tones matched the singer’s tones. I sang the songs over and over until the cassette tape would wear or get stuck like a kitten with a ball of yarn. So, I decided to painstakingly figure out how to sight read music so I could accompany myself. Once the family was out for the afternoon, I’d hop on the piano and make as much noise to my heart’s content.

Later, I went off to a boarding school where it was almost impossible to be alone and enjoy my private pastime. I took piano lessons, joined the choirs, and sang where ever and when ever I could.

But, I gotta say, it’s one thing to enjoy your favorite pastime in the comforts and privacy of your own home (cooking for yourself, making your own model cars from scratch, knitting or quilting, etc.) but trying doing those things for a crowd, in front of strangers, with other people… it becomes a whole new bag of beans. Now it’s an out in the open thing, vulnerable to scrutiny, opinions, dislikes, and judgement. Ugh. <cringe>

“We can’t turn our true selves off and on situationally and expect them to carry and sustain us. Rationing creativity results in bipolarism of the spirit. Our creativity is also our life force. When we turn it off and on like a spigot, we start to become less and less able to control the valve.” 

― S. Kelley Harrell

“Do your fears warn of external dangers? Or, are they the kind that keep you from becoming more of your true self?” 

― Gina Greenlee, Postcards and Pearls: Life Lessons from Solo Moments on the Road

My fears when sharing my passion for singing (and writing!) have always been challenging, and yes, I am now realizing it has kept me from being my true self. Being so openly real and visible to others has always made me uncomfortable. However, I’m more uncomfortable when I’m not doing what I was created to do. I’m finding I’d rather pick the lesser of two evils. 

“The figure calling to me all those years was, I believe, what Thomas Merton calls "true self." This is not the ego self that wants to inflate us (or deflate us, another from of self-distortion), not the intellectual self that wants to hover above the mess of life in clear but ungrounded ideas, not the ethical self that wants to live by some abstract moral code. It is the self-planted in us by the God who made us in God's own image-- the self that wants nothing more, or less, than for us to be who we were created to be.  - ― Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation

“Showing your true self sometimes don't give you any benefit, but at least you do honest to your self and God.” ― Olivia Sinaga

I got so lost in being a mom that I forgot what it was like to be me. I sometimes get lost in being a wife, or friend, or daughter, or sister that I forget about all these other parts collectively that need to talk to each other. (Apparently, it’s all about balance.)

So I’m on the journey of rediscovering what I lost… starting with this blog (that I’m having fun writing for), and hopefully I’ll be doing some more singing soon! I’m going to be doing some choir directing at my church (with a talented mentor) which I’m super silly excited about. 

“Your true self is never so lost that you can’t find it again.” 

― Elaina Marie, Happiness is Overrated - Live the Inspired Life Instead

So, what do you do when no one is watching? :)