At This Moment

I picked up one of my favorite magazines, Bella Grace (Issue 7), and it had this writing prompt I wanted to give a shot. Feel free fill in your own list and share!

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One of the best ways to cheer yourself up is to take a trip down memory lane. Record all of the things you’re currently loving and enjoying, and the next time you feel down, refer back to this list.

Currently I’m:

Reading: I just finished quite a few books by Charlie N. Holmeburg (I really enjoyed The Paper Magician Trilogy and Follwed By Frost) and started a book called “La Bella Lingua: My Love Affair with Italian, the World’s Most Enchanting Language” by Diane Hales. We are planning a trip with the kids to Italy in a few months and this book is my way of preparing and getting excited.

Eating: Right now, my staples are: Power Grain waffles with almond butter and sugar free syrup for breakfast every morning (it’s so fast, easy, and yummy), and a protein shake for lunch (I swear replacing lunch foods with smoothies has healed my stomach issues). I have a honeycrisp apple every day... to keep the doctor away and all. Dinner is where I change it up, but it’s typically grilled salmon or chicken with veggies or in a salad. I get more wild on the weekends when we tend to eat out more. Did I mention I hate cooking?

Drinking: Green tea, Ginger tea… And I just started drinking coffee again! It’s taking some getting used to (all the shaking and jitteriness) but my stomach is finally tolerating it once again after a year hiatus. Hurray!

Listening To: A CD that my brilliantly talented choir conductor, Peter Hillard, made for each section of the choir (unedited) to learn their parts for our Spring Concert in May. It’s equal parts helpful, disturbing, and hilarious. My kids are starting to sing along to the Alto parts as if they’re the melody. I’ve been driving with the windows up more often.

Watching: I don’t watch much… I prefer to quietly read! But when I do, it’s usually a new release movie I can rent from iTunes or Amazon, or binge watch episodes of New Girl, The Mindy Project, or Brooklyn 99 while I clean.

Texting: Been trying to text my siblings and family more often. I’m terrible at keeping in touch, and I miss them.

Photographing: The simple, ordinary, beautiful and exciting stuff that is my daily life. I like my perusing my Instagram feed and smiling at how full and happy my life is. I’m a lucky gal. I’ve also been taking pictures of outfits before I head out on a trip. Makes packing way easier.

Loving: I just joined a Cardio Kickboxing gym, and I love it. It’s totally exhilarating to me when I put my everything into a workout, which is easy to do when punching and kicking the crap out of a giant weighted bag. My mind and body are challenged, and I walk out exhausted. I text my husband after every class to remind him how much I love it. Cuz he should know, ya know?

Smelling: Everything. I have a sensitive nose, and more often than not, I find myself wishing people wouldn’t wear perfume or cologne. To me, it’s as rude, inconsiderate, and physically harmful to others as smoking. Unlike other things you can wear that don't physically affect people around you… perfume and cologne are harmful to people like me who get headaches, sinus inflammation, and migraines from strong smells. So, friends, I’m sure if you shower a few times a week, your natural smell is just fine. Better even, than any chemical you choose to spray yourself with. Okay?
<Sigh> Rant over.

Celebrating: My mom’s breast cancer removal and lack of the bad cells. She doesn’t need radiation, and we’ll find out about chemo treatment soon, but I’m celebrating her and the fact that she’ll be enjoying life a lot longer! Woohoo!

Enjoying: My marriage. We just celebrated 8 years! My husband rocks. He’s my best friend. I love who he is and how he thinks, and I enjoy talking to him with all his thoughts and perspectives. I’m also enjoying watching my 4 year old learn to read, write, and count, and watching my 2 year old just grow up to be a big girl.

Trying: To accept my body. It’s hard. I’m a perfectionist. There’s so much awesomeness about it, yet so much I’m not happy with. It’s a constant struggle, but the more (and less!) I try the easier it’s getting. Being around strong women who don’t (seem) to have body issues is helpful. Subjecting myself to less media helps, too. Being grateful for the good parts over the bad. Replacing negative self-talk as soon as it comes up is helping, too!

Feeling: A bit run down, but recovering. I had a busy week last week, and then traveled, and have a busy week next week. I did too much and hurt my lower back (not as bad as I did around this time last year) but I’m taking it easy and slowly getting it back to normal.

Hoping: To see my sister soon. I miss her. And to be in better control and have more awareness of our finances. We’ve been on top of it lately and it feels good!

Considering: Moving. I just toured my dream home (sort of by accident - we were checking out the neighborhood and the realtor walked out and gave us a tour!) and seriously considering it. I’m trying not to fall too hard, especially since it’s the first place I’ve seen, other than looking online. We weren’t planning on moving this year, and the house probably won’t be on the market for that long! We’re trying to pick a good place to settle down and plant some roots, where the kids can go to awesome schools and grow up with neighborhood friends.

Pinning: Cute dresses and outfits (since I have a wedding and a bunch of traveling coming up this summer) and writing inspiration and prompts.

Writing: Blog posts, journaling, and sometimes working on a book or short stories.

“Never let a day pass without looking for the good, feeling the good within you, praising, appreciating, blessing, and being grateful. Make it your life commitment, and you will stand in utter awe of what happens in your life.” - Rhonda Byrne

“We are all pure perfection, desperately trying to be something we already are. Life is not a struggle, life is a song and we were all born to dance.” - Anita Krizzan 

“She had a little rebel in her. A little chaos and a little gentleness. She didn’t say much and sometimes she would doze off. She would drift away, dream with the stars, and that was OK. She had a little fight in her and every time she built enough courage, her voice would echo through the sky. She wasn’t complete, but she had enough. There was a science to her genius, her madness, her beauty, and there was nothing she couldn’t accomplish. She was unstoppable and everything she ever wanted she took, with nothing on but a smile.” - H.W. Drake 

Special Editions

At the airport recently, I grabbed a copy of Glamour magazine, the one with a beautiful, dark haired woman in a flowing red dress on the cover. I didn’t think anything of it, until the cashier said to me, “You know this magazine costs $12.99, right? It’s the Plus-Sized Special Edition.” And I stared at her, and even skeptically squinted my eyes while I considered what she said. Why does this magazine cost more just because there are bigger women on it? It’s not like they needed bigger sheets of paper or more ink to make it. Ridiculous.  

I shook my head incredulously and eventually forced a pleasant reply: "that's fine." (After all, it wasn’t the cashier’s fault.)  As I leafed though the glossy spreads on my 5 hour flight, I noticed all the women in the magazine were plus-sized, not just the cover model. All the ads (which seemed to be just a few companies over and over throughout the magazine, thanks to their new partnership with Lane Bryant), the fashion sections, and articles were geared toward women sizes 12 and up. And despite my not being size 12 or above, I still enjoyed the magazine. Not much was different except for the size of the women in it. I wasn’t staring at an abundance of graceful, tree-like models, who always look inexplicably happy (though perhaps hungry? I kid, I kid) and well-lit. It felt less like a peek at some crazy, unattainable life, and more like the reality I see and interact with everyday. I finished reading it feeling fine about myself, compared to the anxious, I-don’t-have-that, I-don’t-look-like-that feeling I get after I read one of it's other “normal” magazine editions. 

A few days later, I stood in the bathroom brushing my hair as my two and four year old daughters watched and commented. “You’re beautiful, Mommy,” the oldest said. The two year old parroted. I turned to them and instead of thanking them for their thoughts, I stopped and looked into their eyes. “I know! And since I’m beautiful, you are too, because you are my daughters. You are like me because I made you,” I strongly stated with a serious face (eyebrows raised and all) and continued, “and a little bit of Daddy, ‘cause he made you, too.” They listened wide-eyed, and then burst into giggles and ran out of the room. 

I wondered what it was going to be like for my daughters when they reach that self-aware age. Are they going to feel like they don’t belong or fit in because they don’t look like the women in magazines? Are they not going to be able to pick up the asian magazines or the white people magazines because they aren’t simply one or the other? I know I’m not alone with these type of thoughts; my concerns aren’t anything new to parenting. I’d love to live in - and have my kids grow up in - a society of acceptance. And if we can’t manage that in the midst of vast diversity, then I’d at least like them to be able to hold their own and have a strong sense of self-worth and self-acceptance. Perhaps that’s where the change begins. Perhaps that’s where it began for all the women and people who fought for rights and equality. 

I’m working on it - on acceptance of self and others - and hopefully passing it on to my kids and everyone else who deserves their own Special Editions. I’m glad our society is working on it, and that it’s slowly getting better. I just wish it cost less. :) 

Quarterly Quench

I’ve often questioned my inability to stick to things for any length of time. I’ve tried sticking to a meal plan, a budget, a new habit, a new activity, a job, or a new hair style, and they’ve all had the life span of a fruit fly.

Follow-through friendly people who make a plan and stick to it are revered. We attach attributes like "successful" and "worthy" to them and place them high on a pedestal. We look at these people and secretly wish that we, too, possessed the wherewithal to save money and invest wisely, lose all the weight and run marathons, or become an expert at a skill. We tout quotes like “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail” and plaster motivational posters like that dumb kitten falling from the tree branch one that says “Hang in There” on our walls. 

But what about when you "stick with it" and nothing happens? Are you less successful or less worthy? Where are the motivational slogans inspiring you to give up? Where are the articles, classes, and sage advice for what to do when you actually need to give the F up and try something else? 

Aside from bad habits, let's agree that there are just some things we shouldn’t stick with. Things that work for some, just don’t work for others. Not all kids learn the same way. Not everyone likes healthy food. Not everyone was meant for running, or for math equations, care-taking, building, or for painting. At what point are we choosing to feed our stubbornness and fear, rather than our adaptability and growth?

The past few months, I've been challenging myself with growth and acceptance, and tightly embracing my personality. In practicing self-forgiveness, I’ve let go of the negatives vibes I’ve forever directed at myself for my occasional lack of follow-through. I've struggled with commitment, especially if it's something I've lost interest in, and it's only gotten harder with having kids. I abhor the idea of saying I will do something and then not, so I've learned to forgive myself (especially when it's out of my control) and to carefully choose my commitments.  I’m done with wondering what’s wrong with me and embraced what’s right. I’ve replaced giving up with change. And I’ve delightfully discovered a pattern:

I have a 3 month attention span. My curiosity is so vicious, it hungrily drives me to search for the next thing to discover, explore, and devour. Generally around the 3 month mark, I find myself satisfied. I feel I’ve conquered the challenge, and thus, I find myself apathetic, indifferent, and honestly disinterested. The emblazoned flame of excitement has smoldered to a barely there flicker. My curiosity has waned, and is already searching for the next ignition switch: the next spark of new, clean, sparkly, scary, wild, thrilling, addicting, silly, or challenging. 

In spite of my constant curiosity, I've discovered there are 4 things that have always stuck around. I’m confident that I'll never give up on these, because I've realized I can just cleverly change them up when I get bored:

1. Exercise: Racquetball and Spinning have become the staples I do once a week that keep me excited about taking care of my body. When I get bored, I change it up… like a new class at the gym, weight lifting, swimming, skiing, playing a sport, walking outside, hiking, running, or yoga. Up next on my list to try: Cardio kickboxing, boxing, and mountain biking. 

2. Writing: I’ll work on writing a book for a while, then maybe some essays, or short story writing. Whatever strikes my fancy. Or perhaps, I’ll work on blog posts, or maybe it will be more reflective writing in a journal. 

3. Reading: I’ll go for a while reading only fantasy books, and then I’ll need a break and change it up by reading some basic fiction, chick lit, or a classic. Sometimes I’ll even stop for a week and binge watch TV to catch up all I’ve missed while I was happily lost in a fantasy world of magic. 

4. Music: My passion for music brightly burns. I quell it by listening to new stations on Spotify, singing along to oldies-but-goodies at the top of my lungs (alone in the car), joining choirs, leading worship or singing solos at church, going to concerts, practicing the harp, or working on my sight reading at the piano.  

I'm not a quitter. I'm a changer. I don't give up, I change it up. So, if you find yourself to be a fellow changer too, here are a few fantastic quotes you can tout to naysayers, or just plaster to your walls:

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."  – Andre Gide 

“In a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.” – Warren Buffett

“By changing nothing, nothing changes.” - Tony Robbins  

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”– Andy Warhol 

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” – Winston Churchill

“You’re always you, and that don’t change, and you’re always changing, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” – Neil Gaiman 

“Certain things, they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone.” – J.D. Salinger

Happy Quarter Quell!

(It's a reference to The Hunger Games trilogy, mom)