Adulting

I don’t feel like I’ve fully adulted yet. I don’t know I will ever feel like a proper Ah-dult. It’d be worse if there was a state issued license for it, complete with age regulation, like an ID for drinking or getting your driver's license. It’d be all:

In order to begin the approval process as a licensed and certified Adult, one must present signed, notarized, and sealed documentation on all of the following:

A) Owns property and at least one vehicle  

B) Has an accredited degree and job with security 

C) Has contributed to our nation’s population with outstanding, exemplary citizens 

D) Votes 

E) Owns a vehicle and has up-to-date registration and insurance, with no violations  

F) Has health insurance (including Dental and Vision)  

G) Pays taxes 

H) Volunteers and/or contributes (donates) to society 

I) Owns a shelf with a least a dozen accolades and awards 

J) Keep pets and plants alive  

K) Shops responsibly and environmentally friendly and organic 

L) Supports local and small businesses 

M) Is a member of a group or religion and regularly attends 

N) Exercises five days a week, eats a balanced diet, and sleeps a minimum of 8 hours a night

O) Visits the doctor once a year and the dentist twice a year  

P) Maintains a perfect credit score 

Q) Is a part of a long-term relationship with documentation to prove it (i.e. marriage, work-spouse, partner, etc.)  

R) Up-to-date with current local, national, and global events and politics (and pop culture) 

S) Has a current living will and rights documents 

T) Contributes to a 529, a 401k, and has a healthy retirement fund 

U) Stays out of the sun and uses copious amounts of sunscreen 

V) Refrains from smoking, drinking, and drugs 

W) Remembers all friends and family members’ birthdays and anniversaries and sends a card or gift

X) Vacations 1.5 times a year 

Y) Responds to RSVPs immediately 

Z) Works towards reasonable and attainable plans/goals for the future

Yeah… I could probably provide proof for a few of those, but I definitely couldn’t be certified as an Ah-dult. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and even smirking a bit just looking at that short list. (Yes, it’s the short list of requirements. I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting). Truthfully, I probably couldn’t manage all of those requirements simultaneously. (More like occasionally/sparingly). I’d be awarded my Adulthood license on my deathbed. And even then, I’d be given it as a polite honorary award as a graceful way to ease my passing… as if society needed a way to justify my life as meaningful and worthwhile.

I’m okay not being a perfectly certified adult right now. I fully intend on taking my time getting there, the way I intend on letting my kids take their time being kids. I enjoy the occasional childlike enthusiasm over ice cream for dinner, or basking in the sun without sunscreen, or getting my drink on. I’m okay going to the doctor or dentist only if something hurts, if my plants die while away on vacation, wearing cleanish looking clothes, having a college savings fund for only one of my kids (competition is healthy, no?), not hosting perfectly Instagram-worthy dinner parties, and changing my sheets like at least once a month (it’s supposed to be weekly, ya crazy Ahdults).

I’m working on it, and totally okay with the fact that it’ll probably take a lifetime. :)