Late AF

I’m late. 

I got stuck. 

I was supposed to be further along, especially in my career. I was supposed to know what I wanted to do. 

But I was stuck. It made me late. 

I feel like I missed out. I feel I haven’t met my worth yet. Maybe I’m one of those people who it’s supposed to happen later for, like other great writers. 

Maybe it isn’t my time yet. 

But I think I’m late. I think I haven’t met some expectations of what I’m supposed to amount to. 

I mean, sure…

I’m a mom. Have two amazing kids. On time, check.

I’m a wife. Have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. On time, check. 

I’m a little late to the friend game, too, though. I feel like I got held back. I didn’t develop good relationships early because I was still attached. I was stuck. Trapped. And I didn’t know it. How could I figure out who I was, what kind of friend I could be if I continued to take the easiest course? I wasn’t seen for so long. I was crushed. Stuck. Suffocating. And I didn’t know it. I thought I was someone else. I felt for someone else. Someone else’s feelings became mine. 

How could I ever be me, feel my own feelings, thoughts, and opinions, if mine were trapped under the weight of someone else’s? 

Maybe I didn’t want to feel them, so it was easier to stay stuck. Maybe I wasn’t ready to face them. But why did it take me so long? Why doesn’t it take other people so long? Why do I compare? 

I’m late to that true self game. I didn’t know how I felt about anything without some else telling how they felt. I could only feel through someone else’s feelings. It’s held me back from having a dream of my own. I had no ambition. I’m still working on it. 

I want to have it. I want to want something so bad that whatever gets thrown my way I push it off and keep going. 

I don’t want my fears and failures to make me later than I already am. I might not have more time. What if I have very little left? 

I’m late to the boundaries game. I let people walk all over my boundaries. Mostly because I didn’t even know what they were. I’m a boundaries baby. But I’m really proud of the work I’ve done to become a boundaries teenager the past few years. 

I’m proud of the work I’ve done in the past few years to catch up in the friend game. I’ve had some wrong turns, but I’m still discovering myself and what I’m okay and not okay with when it comes to friends. Boundaries are helping me discover where my no’s are, and where my yes’s are. I’m still figuring it out. I wish I was less late in this area. I wish it were easier now, but I’m enjoying the process, even the hard parts. I’m learning. Just… late. 

Whats up with this last part? The career part? Why do I keep holding myself back? I know what to do. Just do it. Right? But I’ve stopped. How do I get back in? How do I write again? How do I find my voice when it gets hard? When I get bored? When life pulls me away? When everything else seems like it needs my attention? How do I get the discipline? I just do it? I just choose? Why am I late to this? What makes it so hard, when I’m able to catch up on all the other stuff? Does maybe just the other stuff need to come first? Or is that just wishful excuses? :) 

I want to be worth more. I am worthy, and full of worth, for sure. But I want to be more. I want to be proud of more hard work. Work that other people can’t do. Something worth being known for. I want to be seen. I want my work to be praised and enjoyed and loved and cherished. 

I want to write something that keeps people up at night. I want to write something that pulls at their heart strings, that teaches them things about themselves and about others. That makes them laugh out loud and forget about the things in their lives that are hard. A small reprieve from the tough stuff. I want to pull people into a new world, one that they want to live their every day lives in. I want it to be bright and colorful. And dark sometimes. 

I want to write something that makes my family proud, especially my husband and girls. I want them to have have my work as a piece of me when I’m gone. I want to share a part of my mind with them. I want to share my love of different worlds and ideas and possibilities with the world. I want to teach people that isn’t only one solution to their problems. That they have choices. And opportunities and possibilities. 

And then I want my stories to be turned into a movie or TV show. I want to travel around the world and talk about writing and reading. I want to be asked about my book and how I did it. How I managed to get through the tough parts and keep going when I wanted to quit. I want to inspire other little girls to write beautiful stories, ugly stories, scary stories, and boring stories. I want to help people and I want to do it through my writing. 

I want to write characters that jump out of the page and sit with you in your living room. The kind of characters that make you feel like you’ve known them forever. You an predict what they’ll do next because even though they’ve grown, you still feel like you know them and have been with them through it till the end. You’ve grown with them. You know them like you know yourself and even see small pieces of them in yourself. 

I don’t want to be late. I want to be on time. I want to do everything right now, and not yesterday. I don’t want to constantly think about what happened or where I went wrong. I want my husband to brag about my accomplishments the way I brag about his. He supports me the same way I support him, but I don’t use it like I could. I want to take the adult path, and not the scared, insecure child path who starts things and doesn’t finish them. I want to finish! I want to have a freakin book that I can be proud of! I want to stare at it on my dresser at night, and cry every time I look at it like the i mom so hard girls. I want to sob when it comes in the mail. I want to lost my shit when I type THE END. I want to cry every time someone asks me about it, or tells me how proud they are of me, of how much they like or hate the book, the way I cry when I eat something as delightful as sushi. 

I want to not be late with my adult focus. I want to have the self control and discipline to accomplish the things that I’ve listed. I want kill it. I want to just freakin slay and get this thing done! I want to do the hard work and stick to it. I don’t want to be that author that wrote amazing work and then just sat on it instead of finishing it. 

I want to write a novel before it’s too late. 

I won’t be late. I will do it now. 

I will write everyday for an hour. I will change my mind, I will change the story. I will work on the plot. I will ask people questions. I will ask for input. I will email my favorite authors and ask for advice and tell them how much I love their work. I will reach out for support and continue to write like my life depends on it. I will finish my book this year. I will bang it the fuck out and then work with an editor on it. I will get my feelings hurt, I will think it’s perfect when it’s definitely fucking not. I will cry when it’s hard to read the constructive criticism. But I won’t quit. I’ll keep going. I’m going to finish this thing. 

I have no fucking plans, no upcoming trips, I’m just going to say no and get it done. 

I will be determined and unrelenting. 

I will ask my friends to hold me accountable. 

I will post reminders on my wall.

I will dig deep and remind myself every night WHAT I WANT. I have boundaries now and my boundaries mean that I have NEEDS AND WANTS and I deserve to work on the things that I WANT. Not what everyone else wants or expects. I owe it to myself to follow MY MOTHER FUCKING DREAM of writing a book. A KICK ASS STORY that reminds me of myself and makes  my kids proud. 

It will be hilarious. It will be full of mistakes. It will have a love story. Maybe just about how the girl learns to love herself. And others. And maybe it will be about boundaries. Or maybe she’ll learn that later when she gets older. I hate when they have kids. :) 

I will say no to whatever keeps me from writing. 

I will clean less. 

I will be okay that the house is a mess. 

I will work hard and do what I say I am going to because of my self boundaries. 

I will kill it. 

I will cry.

I will cry tears of joy at THE END.

I will then eat sushi. 

I refuse to be too late.